I work in a fairly large company.
I was discussing employment with a friend of mine, temporarily working here, who had been offered a position in this company. One comment that really stuck went on the lines of how the employees here seemed so discontent, with a lot of stuff. Pretty much everything, more or less. It is true, and I've seen it at other large companies as well.
In a large company, it doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't really matter what you do. You can even be something of a loser, you can be lazy, avoiding work. I've seen people get away with that for years. Either the management doesn't care, or they accept it as something inevitable, or they might not even realize what's going on, that these people are unhappy and not really contributing to anything (except a bad atmosphere, perhaps).
Repeat: You are nothing. Your actions amount to nothing. Your voice is not heard.
Later during that conversation, I was rambling about my dreams, about the company I'd like to start, how it would operate, what we would do, how we would make a living out of it. And later yet, when I was on my way home, on my own, I realized that I was in a really good mood, much happier than I had been earlier, before the daydreaming session. Not the regular grumpy old me. It seemed like just envisioning a place where I could be creative, where every decision could really matter, where things could be changed (and changed by me, and my equals) made me happier. The mere thought of those working environments made me feel better. I really believe that it was letting my mind work creatively for a while that accomplished that. Imagine how the human brain and soul is crushed, suffocated, diminished in a large company. Imagine the losses in human lives, or at least their quality of life. It's such a waste.
And another thing; I realize that my dream company would probably last for about ten minutes, and then, when we were down and out, we would probably have achieved nothing at all. Everything has to be so efficient these days, it's not possible to be the village shoe maker anymore. Why is that? How can it not be possible to work in a small scale, when it's possible to make crap in a large company?
Anyway, I understand that it's hard to make a living on your own. But it's so sad that the alternative is to go to work every day to have a piece of your
Maybe the trick is to fill your spare time with some creative work, and perhaps work less. It still feels like a waste to do something mind-numbing during the work day, though.
torsdag 6 december 2007
tisdag 20 november 2007
You know your relationship is rotten when...
...you're disappointed when your partner manages to stay awake in front of the TV set (and you're considering getting sleeping pills to slip into the drink).
...every conversation with your partner is accompanied by a voice in your head; muttering irritated at best, shouting threats of violence at worst. (If the voice is not in your head but actually coming out of your mouth, well, I suppose that's a bad sign as well.)
...you desperately keep "falling in love" with people on the street, wanting so hard that they will want you (and getting annoyed and surprised when they don't even see you).
...you dread weekends and (oh, the horror) holidays.
...on top of that, the weekend seems like it will never end.
...you're sad that you can't work full time (since you have to pick up the kids).
...in short, you want to spend as little time as possible at home, and as much of that time by your self.
(To be continued, I'm sure.)
...every conversation with your partner is accompanied by a voice in your head; muttering irritated at best, shouting threats of violence at worst. (If the voice is not in your head but actually coming out of your mouth, well, I suppose that's a bad sign as well.)
...you desperately keep "falling in love" with people on the street, wanting so hard that they will want you (and getting annoyed and surprised when they don't even see you).
...you dread weekends and (oh, the horror) holidays.
...on top of that, the weekend seems like it will never end.
...you're sad that you can't work full time (since you have to pick up the kids).
...in short, you want to spend as little time as possible at home, and as much of that time by your self.
(To be continued, I'm sure.)
fredag 9 november 2007
Same thoughts, slightly clearer head
I think I may have been a tiny bit too bitter and angry when writing these posts.
The bottom line is that having kids means being linked to the other parent for a very long time, and you should really think it through. If you break up (and it is not extremely unlikely that you will break up, but I know what it's like; you naturally believe you will stick together, forever), you can't make major decisions on your own. You can't even decide things like where you want to live, really. If you get a great job in another town, how are you going to deal with the kids?
So I still think it's very important to have a very good relationship with the other parent. And to see things with clear eyes. And to think it through. Again.
In retrospect, in the beginning of our relationship, I know I accepted things I maybe shouldn't have, things that forced me into being someone else a bit. And now, when I feel mutilated, it's a struggle to get back to my real self. Those things have also, slowly, over the years, made the entire relationship infected, to the point where every remark is uncertain and can cause big turmoil, so you wind up walking in a mine field. Possibly infected beyond a point of no return, I don't know yet. And furthermore, the root cause of some of those things are personality traits of my partner that might make a future life as separated parents much more difficult.
When we started out, I didn't think much of those demands, of the things I was asked to do. It wasn't that big a deal, I thought that it would be OK, a small sacrifice for love to make those compromises. But maybe I should've put my foot down ten years ago and said "you're crazy, that's an impossible thing to demand of another person, lovers or not. Respect me as I am, trust me, or I'll leave you", which certainly would have been a lot easier ten years ago than it is today, when our lives have merged so much, when we have children together, and what with everything else that accumulates over the years. Habits. Whatever.
On the other hand, if I'd done that, I would never have gotten to know my kids.
On the other hand, I might have gotten to know my other kids. Or someone else's kids. Or met a wonderful partner who maybe couldn't get kids but we would be happy anyway, and I would be proved wrong, I would have learned that life-long love actually exists. Or I could have had a life on my own, with a successful career as ... well, anything. Whatever. I don't know.
The bottom line is that having kids means being linked to the other parent for a very long time, and you should really think it through. If you break up (and it is not extremely unlikely that you will break up, but I know what it's like; you naturally believe you will stick together, forever), you can't make major decisions on your own. You can't even decide things like where you want to live, really. If you get a great job in another town, how are you going to deal with the kids?
So I still think it's very important to have a very good relationship with the other parent. And to see things with clear eyes. And to think it through. Again.
In retrospect, in the beginning of our relationship, I know I accepted things I maybe shouldn't have, things that forced me into being someone else a bit. And now, when I feel mutilated, it's a struggle to get back to my real self. Those things have also, slowly, over the years, made the entire relationship infected, to the point where every remark is uncertain and can cause big turmoil, so you wind up walking in a mine field. Possibly infected beyond a point of no return, I don't know yet. And furthermore, the root cause of some of those things are personality traits of my partner that might make a future life as separated parents much more difficult.
When we started out, I didn't think much of those demands, of the things I was asked to do. It wasn't that big a deal, I thought that it would be OK, a small sacrifice for love to make those compromises. But maybe I should've put my foot down ten years ago and said "you're crazy, that's an impossible thing to demand of another person, lovers or not. Respect me as I am, trust me, or I'll leave you", which certainly would have been a lot easier ten years ago than it is today, when our lives have merged so much, when we have children together, and what with everything else that accumulates over the years. Habits. Whatever.
On the other hand, if I'd done that, I would never have gotten to know my kids.
On the other hand, I might have gotten to know my other kids. Or someone else's kids. Or met a wonderful partner who maybe couldn't get kids but we would be happy anyway, and I would be proved wrong, I would have learned that life-long love actually exists. Or I could have had a life on my own, with a successful career as ... well, anything. Whatever. I don't know.
torsdag 8 november 2007
Tip of the day: Think before getting kids...think a lot.
I'm falling in love! Slightly, sort of. There's this café I sometimes go to before picking my kids up from school, and the owner/barista generates warm feelings in my chest. We're just in the beginning of our relationship, we haven't really talked about more than coffee and cookies and settling the bill...but you've got to start somewhere. My plan is to start going there more or less every day. Creepy, huh? Like a stalker. I can assure you that I'm a very nice person, no stalker, just coffee and a cake and fifteen minutes of peace, feeling good, and letting the mind wander.
Falling in love, for me, is normally a very fleeting moment...like with someone I share the seat with on the bus, on the commute, or passing on the bike. It normally lasts a few seconds or minutes. This is a huge step up for me, a sustained relationship. This might actually lead somewhere. Could go on forever like this.
Seriously though, in a loveless life, the tender eyes of a barista is something to hold on to, and if there's a chance I can get that for fifteen minutes every other day, I will try for as long as I can.
Tip of the day: don't get married.
No, to be honest, I don't think getting married is such a big deal, it's more that I don't see the point. There are some legal aspects I don't know much about, but other than that, the only difference is adding another level of problems when it comes to breaking up. You can do worse than getting married. You can get kids. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful, I love mine, and I wouldn't want to change that for the world. But I couldn't imagine the impact it would have on my life. I think people should know what they're about to do. It's not at all like playing family, I can tell you that.
Don't get children if there is ANYTHING you hesitate about regarding your partner. Or if you are interested in yourself, for that matter (i.e. if you're selfish), if you have the least interest in doing things for yourself, think twice about getting kids. And, remember that getting kids WILL affect your relationship, no matter what you think, it will - is it strong enough for that?
And it's not like the world really needs any more people, is it?
Before getting kids, the two of you are a unit, but there is also (or should be) enough space for your own, personal bubbles within that unit. You function as a small team and as individuals. Then, with the kids, all of your time will be dedicated to the kids and the home. You will be more tired than you've ever been, AND IT WILL NEVER STOP! You will always be that tired. And you will desperately start to realize that you, your self, is an endangered species. You will start to fight for time and space for yourself, which might be a doomed fight, and in any case, it will eat on the "relationship unit", on the world the two of you share, because something has got to go, and it won't be the kids.
Does your partner have any quirks you have noticed but decided to learn to live with (because compromises has to be made somewhere in a relationship)? Reconsider those decisions. Re-evaluate the quirks, magnify them to the extreme and think ten years ahead, envisioning the stress of kids. In ten years you'll be breaking up, there'll be arguments, and then you'll live separately. But you will ALWAYS have the kids. And if your precious love had some cute quirks, like jealous tendencies for instance; after ten years of compromising in that area, ten years of wearing each other down, with the strain that kids are - that quirk can make the rest of your separated life hell. Especially given the stress you're living under, as described above.
Get kids only if
- you really, really want kids, of all your heart.
- you are willing to nullify yourself.
- you have a near perfect partner, someone really human, a warm soul with self esteem and respect for others...you will still break up, but when you do, things may actually work between you anyway.
- your relationship is really strong (and don't lie to yourself).
If not, you may be better off without kids, you know. Contrary to popular belief, they're not the meaning of life. Biologically perhaps, but for a human being - well, a human being has a choice. There are other things to do in life.
If you still want to have kids, get them while you're young. I used to think that being old was an advantage as a parent; being more experienced, mature, calm. And sure, that's fine. As is having had time to consider what you do or don't like about childhood and bringing up kids. On the other hand, when you're old, you have less stamina. You are also busy feeling sorry for yourself for having missed all those trains, wasted your life, halfway through life. That won't be easier as a parent of small children. The children won't mysteriously restore your faith in life, and give life a meaning or whatever.
Getting kids young, sure, you won't be able to be a rock star perhaps, you will waste that part of your life. But you will have the stamina to be a parent, and when the kids have left the building, and you hit your midlife crisis, you'll be free to do what you feel you must.
Anyway, for me, the solution seems to be falling in love with a barista for fifteen minutes a day, giving me energy to cope with the disasters of the rest of my life.
Cheers.
Falling in love, for me, is normally a very fleeting moment...like with someone I share the seat with on the bus, on the commute, or passing on the bike. It normally lasts a few seconds or minutes. This is a huge step up for me, a sustained relationship. This might actually lead somewhere. Could go on forever like this.
Seriously though, in a loveless life, the tender eyes of a barista is something to hold on to, and if there's a chance I can get that for fifteen minutes every other day, I will try for as long as I can.
Tip of the day: don't get married.
No, to be honest, I don't think getting married is such a big deal, it's more that I don't see the point. There are some legal aspects I don't know much about, but other than that, the only difference is adding another level of problems when it comes to breaking up. You can do worse than getting married. You can get kids. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful, I love mine, and I wouldn't want to change that for the world. But I couldn't imagine the impact it would have on my life. I think people should know what they're about to do. It's not at all like playing family, I can tell you that.
Don't get children if there is ANYTHING you hesitate about regarding your partner. Or if you are interested in yourself, for that matter (i.e. if you're selfish), if you have the least interest in doing things for yourself, think twice about getting kids. And, remember that getting kids WILL affect your relationship, no matter what you think, it will - is it strong enough for that?
And it's not like the world really needs any more people, is it?
Before getting kids, the two of you are a unit, but there is also (or should be) enough space for your own, personal bubbles within that unit. You function as a small team and as individuals. Then, with the kids, all of your time will be dedicated to the kids and the home. You will be more tired than you've ever been, AND IT WILL NEVER STOP! You will always be that tired. And you will desperately start to realize that you, your self, is an endangered species. You will start to fight for time and space for yourself, which might be a doomed fight, and in any case, it will eat on the "relationship unit", on the world the two of you share, because something has got to go, and it won't be the kids.
Does your partner have any quirks you have noticed but decided to learn to live with (because compromises has to be made somewhere in a relationship)? Reconsider those decisions. Re-evaluate the quirks, magnify them to the extreme and think ten years ahead, envisioning the stress of kids. In ten years you'll be breaking up, there'll be arguments, and then you'll live separately. But you will ALWAYS have the kids. And if your precious love had some cute quirks, like jealous tendencies for instance; after ten years of compromising in that area, ten years of wearing each other down, with the strain that kids are - that quirk can make the rest of your separated life hell. Especially given the stress you're living under, as described above.
Get kids only if
- you really, really want kids, of all your heart.
- you are willing to nullify yourself.
- you have a near perfect partner, someone really human, a warm soul with self esteem and respect for others...you will still break up, but when you do, things may actually work between you anyway.
- your relationship is really strong (and don't lie to yourself).
If not, you may be better off without kids, you know. Contrary to popular belief, they're not the meaning of life. Biologically perhaps, but for a human being - well, a human being has a choice. There are other things to do in life.
If you still want to have kids, get them while you're young. I used to think that being old was an advantage as a parent; being more experienced, mature, calm. And sure, that's fine. As is having had time to consider what you do or don't like about childhood and bringing up kids. On the other hand, when you're old, you have less stamina. You are also busy feeling sorry for yourself for having missed all those trains, wasted your life, halfway through life. That won't be easier as a parent of small children. The children won't mysteriously restore your faith in life, and give life a meaning or whatever.
Getting kids young, sure, you won't be able to be a rock star perhaps, you will waste that part of your life. But you will have the stamina to be a parent, and when the kids have left the building, and you hit your midlife crisis, you'll be free to do what you feel you must.
Anyway, for me, the solution seems to be falling in love with a barista for fifteen minutes a day, giving me energy to cope with the disasters of the rest of my life.
Cheers.
fredag 2 november 2007
There is a 'no' in monogamy.
I remember the feeling of falling in love. It's wonderful. And yet that initial phase seems to be regarded as something lesser than the real, life-lasting, soul grinding love; ideally ending in a marriage only death should put an end to.
We have been tought to regard falling in love as just the first stage, two people's first step on a life-long journey together. Sure, that first phase when you're like sparkling wine inside, bubbles of love running around wanting to get out and you only want to be with that other person - sure, that period if time may seem like a good thing, something to cherish. But it's not. No, you're being naive. What you should strive for, my love, is what comes after falling in love. That's the real deal. The everyday, grey, dull life. Two people forgetting what they found interesting about the other, spending year after yaer in boredom, possibly leaning towards hatred.
What the hell? What went wrong with people, and when? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were falling in love all the time? If we were allowed to do that. Actually enjoying each other, being happy with other people, discovering other people, learning from other people. Meeting strangers.
Would that make us any worse as parents, for instance?
Every day I see beautiful, potentially wonderful people around me. Every day I see at least a few that I feel I would like to talk to, some people whose appearance for some reason tells me that we could get along fine. Something in the eyes perhaps. And at on least some occasions every month I meet some people I feel I might easily fall in love with...
Falling in love is embracing the moment, seizing the day, as the saying goes.
When you're young, you meet people, have fun, have sex, break up, spend time alone, with friends, find new love...it's ups and downs. The you find the right one, and it does get better and better, but somehow, without you noticing it, you'll wake up some day and realize that you don't really have any fun anymore. Not with your loved one, and possibly not with anyone else either.
In a marriage, you wear each other out, you live together for so long that you get to know all the little quirks, and eventually you'll start to get annoyed about those things. You get so fed up with each other that the best thing you can do when you're alone is to silently get slightly drunk in the TV sofa, watching anything that will keep the conversation to a minimum...because you don't really have anything to talk about. If you're really lucky, the other part will fall asleep, and you can at least enjoy an hour or so of relative freedom.
I don't know the statistics, but I bet that at least half of all marriages end. Do you expect that the other half is happily married? I seriously doubt that. I guess it would be harder to find real statistics on that, but I'd hazard a guess that at least half of the ones that stay married are not very happy. Most of them at least pretty bored, if they ever stop to think about it.
And when you come to that point when you realize that this is what life has become. Yeah, well, it's not pretty. Then you long for falling in love, but who the hell would want to fall in love with these tired, sad, middle-aged people...?
And in this process of decaying relationships, people cling to that notion of life-lasting love, and interpret their situation as something being wrong. They try to fix it, work it out. Therapy sessions. I think it would be easier if we accepted that we're just a bit tired of each other, and frankly not really interested anymore...no longer in love. Realize that the reasons we're living under the same roof has more to do with habits, and convenience. It's easier to deal with the kids if you're two. Rent is lower too.
I agree that it could be hard to realize this vision. I can't really see myself coming home, saying cheerfully: "I had the most wonderful sex with a man in the office restroom today", or even something as innocent as "I saw a really cute girl on the bus today, she might drop in later". But I still think it's a good idea, we should fall in love more.
Yeah, I really think the hippies had a point. I think we all would be better off without the possessive nature of monogamy, and instead find love anywhere...many smaller (yet more intense) loves, instead of one big life sentence.
We have been tought to regard falling in love as just the first stage, two people's first step on a life-long journey together. Sure, that first phase when you're like sparkling wine inside, bubbles of love running around wanting to get out and you only want to be with that other person - sure, that period if time may seem like a good thing, something to cherish. But it's not. No, you're being naive. What you should strive for, my love, is what comes after falling in love. That's the real deal. The everyday, grey, dull life. Two people forgetting what they found interesting about the other, spending year after yaer in boredom, possibly leaning towards hatred.
What the hell? What went wrong with people, and when? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were falling in love all the time? If we were allowed to do that. Actually enjoying each other, being happy with other people, discovering other people, learning from other people. Meeting strangers.
Would that make us any worse as parents, for instance?
Every day I see beautiful, potentially wonderful people around me. Every day I see at least a few that I feel I would like to talk to, some people whose appearance for some reason tells me that we could get along fine. Something in the eyes perhaps. And at on least some occasions every month I meet some people I feel I might easily fall in love with...
Falling in love is embracing the moment, seizing the day, as the saying goes.
When you're young, you meet people, have fun, have sex, break up, spend time alone, with friends, find new love...it's ups and downs. The you find the right one, and it does get better and better, but somehow, without you noticing it, you'll wake up some day and realize that you don't really have any fun anymore. Not with your loved one, and possibly not with anyone else either.
In a marriage, you wear each other out, you live together for so long that you get to know all the little quirks, and eventually you'll start to get annoyed about those things. You get so fed up with each other that the best thing you can do when you're alone is to silently get slightly drunk in the TV sofa, watching anything that will keep the conversation to a minimum...because you don't really have anything to talk about. If you're really lucky, the other part will fall asleep, and you can at least enjoy an hour or so of relative freedom.
I don't know the statistics, but I bet that at least half of all marriages end. Do you expect that the other half is happily married? I seriously doubt that. I guess it would be harder to find real statistics on that, but I'd hazard a guess that at least half of the ones that stay married are not very happy. Most of them at least pretty bored, if they ever stop to think about it.
And when you come to that point when you realize that this is what life has become. Yeah, well, it's not pretty. Then you long for falling in love, but who the hell would want to fall in love with these tired, sad, middle-aged people...?
And in this process of decaying relationships, people cling to that notion of life-lasting love, and interpret their situation as something being wrong. They try to fix it, work it out. Therapy sessions. I think it would be easier if we accepted that we're just a bit tired of each other, and frankly not really interested anymore...no longer in love. Realize that the reasons we're living under the same roof has more to do with habits, and convenience. It's easier to deal with the kids if you're two. Rent is lower too.
I agree that it could be hard to realize this vision. I can't really see myself coming home, saying cheerfully: "I had the most wonderful sex with a man in the office restroom today", or even something as innocent as "I saw a really cute girl on the bus today, she might drop in later". But I still think it's a good idea, we should fall in love more.
Yeah, I really think the hippies had a point. I think we all would be better off without the possessive nature of monogamy, and instead find love anywhere...many smaller (yet more intense) loves, instead of one big life sentence.
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