There is a 'no' in monogamy.

I remember the feeling of falling in love. It's wonderful. And yet that initial phase seems to be regarded as something lesser than the real, life-lasting, soul grinding love; ideally ending in a marriage only death should put an end to.

We have been tought to regard falling in love as just the first stage, two people's first step on a life-long journey together. Sure, that first phase when you're like sparkling wine inside, bubbles of love running around wanting to get out and you only want to be with that other person - sure, that period if time may seem like a good thing, something to cherish. But it's not. No, you're being naive. What you should strive for, my love, is what comes after falling in love. That's the real deal. The everyday, grey, dull life. Two people forgetting what they found interesting about the other, spending year after yaer in boredom, possibly leaning towards hatred.

What the hell? What went wrong with people, and when? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were falling in love all the time? If we were allowed to do that. Actually enjoying each other, being happy with other people, discovering other people, learning from other people. Meeting strangers.

Would that make us any worse as parents, for instance?

Every day I see beautiful, potentially wonderful people around me. Every day I see at least a few that I feel I would like to talk to, some people whose appearance for some reason tells me that we could get along fine. Something in the eyes perhaps. And at on least some occasions every month I meet some people I feel I might easily fall in love with...

Falling in love is embracing the moment, seizing the day, as the saying goes.

When you're young, you meet people, have fun, have sex, break up, spend time alone, with friends, find new love...it's ups and downs. The you find the right one, and it does get better and better, but somehow, without you noticing it, you'll wake up some day and realize that you don't really have any fun anymore. Not with your loved one, and possibly not with anyone else either.

In a marriage, you wear each other out, you live together for so long that you get to know all the little quirks, and eventually you'll start to get annoyed about those things. You get so fed up with each other that the best thing you can do when you're alone is to silently get slightly drunk in the TV sofa, watching anything that will keep the conversation to a minimum...because you don't really have anything to talk about. If you're really lucky, the other part will fall asleep, and you can at least enjoy an hour or so of relative freedom.


I don't know the statistics, but I bet that at least half of all marriages end. Do you expect that the other half is happily married? I seriously doubt that. I guess it would be harder to find real statistics on that, but I'd hazard a guess that at least half of the ones that stay married are not very happy. Most of them at least pretty bored, if they ever stop to think about it.

And when you come to that point when you realize that this is what life has become. Yeah, well, it's not pretty. Then you long for falling in love, but who the hell would want to fall in love with these tired, sad, middle-aged people...?


And in this process of decaying relationships, people cling to that notion of life-lasting love, and interpret their situation as something being wrong. They try to fix it, work it out. Therapy sessions. I think it would be easier if we accepted that we're just a bit tired of each other, and frankly not really interested anymore...no longer in love. Realize that the reasons we're living under the same roof has more to do with habits, and convenience. It's easier to deal with the kids if you're two. Rent is lower too.

I agree that it could be hard to realize this vision. I can't really see myself coming home, saying cheerfully: "I had the most wonderful sex with a man in the office restroom today", or even something as innocent as "I saw a really cute girl on the bus today, she might drop in later". But I still think it's a good idea, we should fall in love more.


Yeah, I really think the hippies had a point. I think we all would be better off without the possessive nature of monogamy, and instead find love anywhere...many smaller (yet more intense) loves, instead of one big life sentence.