Tip of the day: Think before getting kids...think a lot.

I'm falling in love! Slightly, sort of. There's this café I sometimes go to before picking my kids up from school, and the owner/barista generates warm feelings in my chest. We're just in the beginning of our relationship, we haven't really talked about more than coffee and cookies and settling the bill...but you've got to start somewhere. My plan is to start going there more or less every day. Creepy, huh? Like a stalker. I can assure you that I'm a very nice person, no stalker, just coffee and a cake and fifteen minutes of peace, feeling good, and letting the mind wander.

Falling in love, for me, is normally a very fleeting moment...like with someone I share the seat with on the bus, on the commute, or passing on the bike. It normally lasts a few seconds or minutes. This is a huge step up for me, a sustained relationship. This might actually lead somewhere. Could go on forever like this.

Seriously though, in a loveless life, the tender eyes of a barista is something to hold on to, and if there's a chance I can get that for fifteen minutes every other day, I will try for as long as I can.

Tip of the day: don't get married.
No, to be honest, I don't think getting married is such a big deal, it's more that I don't see the point. There are some legal aspects I don't know much about, but other than that, the only difference is adding another level of problems when it comes to breaking up. You can do worse than getting married. You can get kids. Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful, I love mine, and I wouldn't want to change that for the world. But I couldn't imagine the impact it would have on my life. I think people should know what they're about to do. It's not at all like playing family, I can tell you that.

Don't get children if there is ANYTHING you hesitate about regarding your partner. Or if you are interested in yourself, for that matter (i.e. if you're selfish), if you have the least interest in doing things for yourself, think twice about getting kids. And, remember that getting kids WILL affect your relationship, no matter what you think, it will - is it strong enough for that?

And it's not like the world really needs any more people, is it?

Before getting kids, the two of you are a unit, but there is also (or should be) enough space for your own, personal bubbles within that unit. You function as a small team and as individuals. Then, with the kids, all of your time will be dedicated to the kids and the home. You will be more tired than you've ever been, AND IT WILL NEVER STOP! You will always be that tired. And you will desperately start to realize that you, your self, is an endangered species. You will start to fight for time and space for yourself, which might be a doomed fight, and in any case, it will eat on the "relationship unit", on the world the two of you share, because something has got to go, and it won't be the kids.

Does your partner have any quirks you have noticed but decided to learn to live with (because compromises has to be made somewhere in a relationship)? Reconsider those decisions. Re-evaluate the quirks, magnify them to the extreme and think ten years ahead, envisioning the stress of kids. In ten years you'll be breaking up, there'll be arguments, and then you'll live separately. But you will ALWAYS have the kids. And if your precious love had some cute quirks, like jealous tendencies for instance; after ten years of compromising in that area, ten years of wearing each other down, with the strain that kids are - that quirk can make the rest of your separated life hell. Especially given the stress you're living under, as described above.

Get kids only if
- you really, really want kids, of all your heart.
- you are willing to nullify yourself.
- you have a near perfect partner, someone really human, a warm soul with self esteem and respect for others...you will still break up, but when you do, things may actually work between you anyway.
- your relationship is really strong (and don't lie to yourself).

If not, you may be better off without kids, you know. Contrary to popular belief, they're not the meaning of life. Biologically perhaps, but for a human being - well, a human being has a choice. There are other things to do in life.

If you still want to have kids, get them while you're young. I used to think that being old was an advantage as a parent; being more experienced, mature, calm. And sure, that's fine. As is having had time to consider what you do or don't like about childhood and bringing up kids. On the other hand, when you're old, you have less stamina. You are also busy feeling sorry for yourself for having missed all those trains, wasted your life, halfway through life. That won't be easier as a parent of small children. The children won't mysteriously restore your faith in life, and give life a meaning or whatever.
Getting kids young, sure, you won't be able to be a rock star perhaps, you will waste that part of your life. But you will have the stamina to be a parent, and when the kids have left the building, and you hit your midlife crisis, you'll be free to do what you feel you must.


Anyway, for me, the solution seems to be falling in love with a barista for fifteen minutes a day, giving me energy to cope with the disasters of the rest of my life.

Cheers.